heartbroken again and again

No matter how much I try, sometimes i think that I failed relationship really badly. Sometimes it makes me think, where have I gone wrong?

1) Am I too ugly? No I dont think so. I saw lots of common people getting married ( well as a doctor who delivered lots of babies, sometimes when I saw the mum, I was like whoaa, someone willing to sleep with this woman?) and yet it makes me think why I'm still single.

2) Am i not bright? no, I dont think so. born and breed as a good student since childhood and now a ho in Putrajaya. I have a bright future ahead. That's a bonus. well i saw it as a bonus

3) Is my family a disaster family? No, I came from a good family. A stable well financed family, and a loving one I might add.

4) Am i egoistic? dull personality? no. i have a very cheerful personality and i talk a lot. When u get to know me? I will be the nicest person u know..

But why am I getting heartbroken again and again? what did i do so wrong to deserve this?..:'(

Im afraid

Im afraid of what would happen in the coming few days. Seems everything start to fall apart. The stresses, the panic in finding patient exam, the results forensics and ikm not going out yet, its all over my head. Plus, with the acms thingy yet. Haih. Sometimes i wish i've never take medic here. But its too late. Its too late.

I just want to get out of here. To get out of these situations. Im tired of the dramas, the problems. But then again, back home i'll face the same things. Probably even worse. I'm not excited to be here right now neither to finish it and be home. Im lost. Im really lost. In the end, its always just me alone facing the world.

Dear god, im really afraid. Im really afraid that i feel so lost. I dont even know what i want in life. Im lost. Help me.:'(

Hardwork and efforts, a life of a medical gal

When i was in high school, i always thought i'm one of the brilliant students. One of a kind. I don't need to study hard to achieve. Everything seems so easy. Everything seems like a perfect life, perfect family, stable financial, good grades, well not really pretty, but i do consider myself as easy on the eyes type, and great friends with an ok social life. I mean it was kind of a great life. I was enrolled in hostel since i was 13 years old, under government scholar school. The school fed us 6 times a day. Hehe
Then, something abruptly happened, i grew up. Maybe because i was dozing off in my daydream, i'm lost to see high school is finally over. I performed well in the national exam with straight A's. My parents were so happy back then. I actually cried 3 days after high school is over because i miss school life. Lame. My mother said, wow, u really loved ur school n friends. Oh well, what to do, I spent 5 years in hostel, rarely went home, that's d only life i knew.
Life became hell the moment I applied for medical course. Everything seems to fall out of places. Let me tell you, i never intended to be a doctor. But if that is my journey, my fate, i'll bear with it. In the medical interview before i was selected, the sponsor of my scholarship ask me why i want to be a doctor. I paused, i did not say i want to help people, i said because i want to join world health organization, so that i can help in war, natural disasters, i want to make a difference. And then i add, when i had enough, then i want to make money. Oh well, that money part pissed off the interviewer. Hey, im being honest. Then he said again, why should we pick u, i said because im unique and im determined.:b
I never thought i'll get it after my interview, but months later, i was called to pre-medical program. I am not happy. I really thought engineering would call first. But because my parents really have high hopes for me, so a doctor it is. Pre-med is my first step toward adult life. Here, i begin to know a lot of people attitude, how to be a hypocrite, how to hide your emotions either in anger, sadness or miserable. Here is where i learn that being smart but lazy does not work.
Being a doctor, u need to be work hard, put efforts, success does not comes rolling. I learnt that the hard way. One year of pre-med, my heart break into pieces so many times. There's time i cried a lot because the pressure is so high in maintaining the grades, the fear that the scholar will be taken from me. Back them i was offered 3 places, russia , indonesia and egypt. I chose indonesia. Do not ask me why, i had my reasons. At first i was promised to go to USU, but then i don't know what happened in the process, my contract was changed to UNHAS, makassar. At that moment, all i think about, damn, where the hell is that?
The first time i touch down on makassar, i remember how i hate being here. I keep getting diarrhea, im sick all the time, my stomach does not agree with the food, in conclude life is hard. Plus i do not have any transport, so must ride pete-pete or ojek. I cried everyday and did i mention to u, it was really hot here? 3 days after being here, i did something out of the blue. My hair at that time is really long. Suddenly i lose my patience, i take a scissor, went in front of the mirror, and i grab my hair and cut it. Like a boy's cut. After that i regret it. Pity my hair.
It took me a solid year to make me accept that i studied in makassar. That long huh. Well alhamdulillah, i make peace with it. At times life here is really hard, but it needs to go on right? Pejam celik pejam celik, its almost been 5 years dah. In a few months, i'll say goodbye to makassar for good. I don't know what to feel now. But all i can say, the bad events i take as an experiences, the happy events i take as a memory. There's a lot of experiences on makassar i do want to share, but i've got to study ortho now. So see u later? Ciao babe.:)
Ps:/ now if i did not study, i find myself stupid and dumb. Oh well, even i stufy, i felt like otak udang saja. Wawawawaaa.:'(

My resolution before turning 25 next year

1) Title : doctor suli
2) Starting salary : rm 4000 above
3) Weight : 49 kg
4) Skin : rosy white with absolutely no pimples.
5) Get a boyfriend
6) Tour europe
7) Umrah mekah & travel egypt
8) Work in putrajaya and buy tiny apartment there.

Fake eyelashes

The more i think about it, there's no harm in girls trying to be pretty. They want to look good, cosmetics, makeup including fake eyelashes. This fake eyelashes makes all the difference. They bring out your eye, make it comes to life. Check out mine.:).

I think im strong?

I think im strong. Maybe. Hehe. My pain receptor is high and from past experience it seems that i can tolerate pain in maximum level. There are many times that i thought that i could not get past it. But then i remember, every rain came a rainbow. That is totally how my life is. You dont know how hard my life is so u cant judge me. I've been through a lot except im good at showing fake laughs and smiles. Im good at covering my sadness. My madness and my angerness.
I always shows people what they want to see. Outside, i seem like a perfectly happy normal life. But then, who are u to judge that im happy? My life had a lot troubles that sometimes i knew u wouldnt last one day to be in my shoes. But the positive effect that i had from all of this is i became more independant, more trusting to myself, my decisions and my wisdom. I became strong and can bear more pain. Even at moments if u scream at me, it flows from left to right ear.
Maybe its from my childhood. My family used not to have money. We're kind of ghetto i guess back in the days. My brother used to beat me all the times. I used to have bruise that i always cover up saying i fell.I get my revenge by broking his nose. When i was 16, we still fought like kids over a remote control. He punch me in front of his friends and my face bled. I did something he never expected, i bite his arm and never let go. I could still taste the flesh and rip it off. U bled my face, i rip ur flesh. An eye for an eye. U ask me if people cud change? Let me tell u org baran never change, they just pretend to change.
Back in the days, i always cried in the bathroom, y owh dear lord, that i've been beaten like to death. Im little and i've no one i can trust. When i grew up a little more, there's always sadness that clouding my days. People trying to hurt me now and then.
Now i've realize, all those pain that god put me through is to prepare me for the coming future so that i can handle it, so that i can be strong. The past created my character as i am now. No matter how hard the situations is, there 's always an answer. My last note ro every gurls, if u feel u're being abused, dont be scared to stand up for what u believe in. The truth will always be the truth, no matter how hard people will make it on to you.

Scrub in operation with prof!

Hehe, today i felt like totally greys anatomy series. There is two plan operation this morning which consist of debulking and hyaterectomy total. It was different from my usual opearation that i was usually asked to assist on.
One patient is diagnosed with uterus tumor and the one is ovarium cancer advance stage wif appendisitis. And yeah, also did appendectomy. But whats surprising is that the appendix is 15 cm long!! God, that is totally weird and abnormal. Now i knew what my passion are, i want to be a surgeon. I dont care. All i knew is i love cutting up people and sewing them again. Hehehe. And yeah lots n lots of blood.. :)